What is jealousy?

Most people would be able to answer that question from their own experience or from viewing others behaviour. If you feel jealous often then don’t worry, you are not alone. Everyone feels some sort of jealousy and competition at some point during their life. In life we tend to date people we really like. So if we like the person we’re dating, chances are someone else will too. It’s completely natural to be attracted to other people other than your spouse or partner.

Maybe some of the thoughts you have about your partner are:

‘Does he/she like them more?’

‘Does he like her because her breasts are bigger?’

‘He makes way more money then me she’s bound to like him more.’

‘She is so beautiful why does he want me?’

‘I’ll never be good enough for my partner.’

‘I can’t believe he/she is talking to them! Hello I am right here! Are they more interesting?’

These thoughts are destructive and only cause unnecessary worry and jealousy. Anyway, if some of these points of view seem familiar there are ways to overcome them.

So lets look at the facts about jealousy.

Fact No. 1 - Jealousy Is Insecurity

This is an important point. Feelings of jealousy always appear to stem from one’s sense that someone in their life is not secure. You are insecure. You are threatened by the fear of the unknown, the truth is scary because you can never really know what another person is thinking. You could be dating someone that doesn’t let you into every thought. But is that really such a bad thing? You are afraid to get hurt but don’t feel alone because everyone is afraid to get hurt. Those that aren’t afraid have come to deal with the possibility of getting hurt, hide the fact they could get hurt or worse disassociate themselves from their emotions so they don’t feel jealous. If your partner has seen another girl/guy and had a complimentary thought about how attractive they are and you ask them “what are you thinking?” They might answer with “nothing” or “I was looking at the stain on their shirt.” They might try and protect you from getting hurt by their thoughts or try to make sure they don’t get in trouble. The point is, that there is no way of knowing for sure what they were really thinking.

Fact No. 2 - You don’t trust your partner

If you are dating someone and you’re jealous, then you don’t trust your partner because you’re not trusting them to make good decisions for the relationship. Everywhere we look including on television and in magazines there are models, sex objects and porn stars. Most people aren’t that good looking and the media can be prone to setting unrealistic expectations on the human population. Of course it’s important to be attracted to your partner but there is more to a relationship then just looks.

Society sends us the message that with that extra loss of 15 pounds we will be more desirable. With that $5,000 boob job that we will be happier and more accepted by others.

Okay so you find someone that seems right for you, but then you start wanting more so you leave your partner to go find other things that you want. Your partner was ‘ok’ but you can do better right? So you find someone who’s more of what you want, but then you need something else from them maybe they aren’t understanding enough or they are withdrawn. Eventually you find someone who’s right for you and you marry them. But over time you grow apart and you get divorced… ok so what I’m getting at here is that you have to be satisfied with what you got and yes you can get more. But where will you draw the line at having enough?

Jealousy is not being happy with what you’ve got in yourself, it’s insecurity.

Feeling secure is a habit. Feeling secure is something that doesn’t come naturally for most. So when you start feelings insecure that you aren’t attractive enough or good enough you need to remind yourself of all the positive things about you. It’s hard at first but you can train your brain. You have every right to feel secure so this is an important technique.

Right now on a piece of paper right down all the things that you like about yourself and become familiar with them. Because when you get jealous these are the things you need to focus on.

I have been in a lot of relationships where the other person feels insecure and even I feel insecure. But it comes down to the fact that they are their own person, and you don’t own them and you can’t control their behaviour. The best thing to do is just to let things happen. I’ve seen so many relationships break up over jealousy which is funny because the fear of losing the relationship becomes actual reality. Ironic isn’t it.

Jealousy is in someways, selfish. Sometimes we can have a partner who really loves us and care for us yet, we are reliving the pain from past experiences and not giving them the benefit of the doubt. The only thing you can control is yourself you can manage your emotions, your thoughts and your behaviour. Feeling jealous is the best way to restrict the potential for a full and happy relationship. How can there be unconditional love if you’re constantly focused on how you can make the other person change so you feel more secure?

What can you do if there is jealous in your relationship?

Tell your partner about your feelings and maybe they can help to be more aware of what you don’t like.

Communicate every thought associated with your jealousy so your partner can dispute these thoughts and reassure you.

Manage your own thoughts and ask yourself “what is the evidence to support this thought?” This way you’ll make sure that your thinking is consistent with reality.

Last of all. Work on yourself, find out what it is that you like about yourself and focus on that, stop comparing yourself to others and realise that you can only be you and no one else.

Kylie J Coulter